At week’s end, the Jurassic Park series will release its 4th installment with Jurassic World. What’s different about this film is the strict use of CGI (JP I-III used animatronics), which will drastically alter the dinosaurs’ appearances.
The antagonist of Jurassic World is the laboratory that extracted dinosaur DNA and nurtured the first velociraptors. But after over a decade’s absence, Ingen constructed a state-of-the-art tourist attraction and conjured up their own version of a predator – the Indominus Rex.
In celebration of Jurassic World’s upcoming release, below are some of the park’s dinosaurs and a lemon’s twist on which athlete best suits the dinosaur.
Due to the nature of the content, depictions may not be scientifically accurate and some viewer discretion is advised.
Dara Torres – Mesosaurus
About 250 million years ago – and featured in Jurassic World’s trailer – is a massive aquatic predator named mesosaurus. It was one of the best to tread water in prehistoric times. Since the mesosaurus is one of the oldest dinosaurs to be studied, Dara Torres made a feat of her own. At 41, she joined the 2008 U.S. Olympic swimming team – becoming the oldest competitor in the Games. Although both the mesosaurus and Torres aged, neither were conquered by water.
QB Peyton Manning – Suchomimus
Like its near cousin, the spinosaurus, suchomimus shared the elongated snout much similar to that of a crocodile’s. Its primary use was a holding cell for a sophisticated olfactory bulb that helped it hunt in water – and occasional usage as a battering weapon. And with that said, Peyton Manning’s 6-inch nose – well – I don’t know who sniffs better.
LW Jonathan Drouin – Pteranodon
As a skills event in the 2015 NHL All-Star game, Drouin soared blue line to blue line in 13.1 seconds – making him the fastest skater in the competition’s history. And that kid flew, much like the pteranodon with its 35-foot wingspan and excellent gliding capabilities.
C Blake Griffin – Triceratops
With a forehead depression basically sagging over his eye sockets, Blake Griffin wins the title of most decorated forehead in the NBA. And since triceratops has a 6-foot-thick head shield of its own, well, that just made it easy.
RF Gregory Polanco – Gallimimus
At 6-foot-3 and recording a maximum speed of 43 mph, gallimimus was one of the tallest and fastest theropods. Clocking in at 6-foot-5, Pittsburgh Pirate, Gregory Polanco is the tallest of stolen base leaders (4th – 16).
PF Kevin Garnett – Pachyocephalosaurus
With a 10-inch, dome-shaped skull as its primary feature, it’s assumed that the pachyocephalosaurus used it as a weapon of defense. And if you’ve forgotten the incident about Kevin Garnett head-butting Dwight Howard, then the reference will be lost.
F Giles Barnes – Baryonyx
One-hundred and 25 million years ago, Baryonyx roamed – what is today – Surrey, England, during the Cretaceous period. It primarily harvested fish bones in its gut. Joining him in this classification as a resident of the mother country, Houston Dynamo’s Giles Barnes resides from London, but I am clueless as to if he has a proclivity for fish.
OF Bryce Harper – Velociraptor
Second to the tyrannosaurus in being glamourized, the velociraptor and Bryce Harper aren’t so different. They both run at knee-high strides. And whilst known mostly for its biblical-sized claw to puncture its prey, the velociraptor lugged around quite the attitude. And not even at the All-Star break, Bryce Harper has managed to get himself ejected three times in one week.
Floyd Mayweather – Tyrannosaurus Rex
All hail the big man on campus. The founding father of Jurassic Park’s evolution – the T-Rex. Although the 4th biggest dinosaur to roam Earth (behind carcharodontosaurus, spinosaurus and giganotosaurus), the T-Rex shredded its prey with one bite weighing 500 lbs. And much like the appetite of the reckless king, Floyd Mayweather has a peculiar diet of his own – fried hot dogs, ramen noodles, Twizzlers and oxtail. Both are feisty competitors, too.
OF Giancarlo Stanton – Indominus Rex
The evil influence of Ingen’s resurgence is a genetically engineered predator named Indominus Rex. Whether they’re goal was to give the tourists eye candy or serve as a trophy, this superior monster packs power. In fact, its roar reaches 140-160 decibels – the equivalent of a Boeing 737 lifting off. As for Giancarlo Stanton: his swing amplifies a stadium without speaking a word. Since he entered the league in 2010, hitting a 95-mph ball 400-some feet hasn’t been an issue. When it comes to baseball, Stanton is a genetic freak.
And if you’re thinking I want Floyd Mayweather to fight Giancarlo Stant, you’d be right.